Forgiveness is the attribute for the strong....

The title of this blog is a partial quote from Gandhi. The complete quote is the following:

The weak can never forgive.

Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Now anyone who knows me well know that I don't usually go around spouting quotes from Gandhi, but I feel that it's appropriate to the season I've been in. Forgiveness is a universal truth, along with "what goes around comes around" (or "karma is a boomerang," which I have quoted on many occasions).  When something hurtful happens in your life, it's easy to get angry, to hold a grudge. 

Forgiveness is the road less traveled.

Unforgiveness is something I've struggled with all my life, especially when I've been hurt. It's never been easy for me to move on. The last four years have been a struggle. Lots of things happened. My husband and I moved back home after being away for seven years. Our marriage suffered with all the moving around and there was a time we were seriously considering separating. I went through menopause. On top of all of that, I worked at a job where I felt that I was constantly picked apart. Nothing I did was right. I did my best, but in the the end, I was the one who left. 

It was all too much.

I'm not going to go into a lot of details about what happened on my job those last few months. There are a few people that know, like my husband and a few trusted friends. They were the ones that prayed for me, even when I didn't ask. When I left, they understood.

The last few months have been a life lesson in forgiveness. The day I left, I got very sick. I struggled with a cold that wouldn't go away. I cried. I searched the scriptures, finding comfort in God's words. I wrote and found that I could forgive those who had hurt me.

And so I forgave.

I remember reading a passage in Joyce Meyer's devotional one day which, oddly enough, was about forgiveness. She wrote that God honors the act of forgiving, even though the emotions aren't there. Things will come up and you have to deal with them. It's part of the healing process.

And life goes on and while I still struggle (this morning is a good example), I'm doing just fine. It helps that I'm teaching again and while that's been difficult, I work with the most wonderful, supportive group of people. They have faith in me and my abilities. As I said to one of my Facebook friends the other day, I never thought I'd say this, but I love my job. 

There are other things too. I've reconnected with my mother and my family. I take my mother-in-law grocery shopping. I'm enjoying my new home. I'm even writing again. Best of all, I don't yell at my husband anymore (well, that's not exactly true. I still yell at him occasionally, just to keep him on his toes). 

And so, this is a fitting end to this blog. No more journeys to dark places, at least for a while, anyway. I plan to continue blogging, though about what I have no clue. But know this. Forgiveness may be the road less traveled, but it's the road that I want to be on.

Be blessed....

jen 

Forgiving...and forgetting

Is there such a thing?

I always thought that the phrase "forgive and forget" was kind of a flip one, something someone would say in an effort to make the person feel better. As I study forgiveness, I have realized that forgiving and forgetting are two separate and distinct actions.

In my experience, I have found that it was easier for me to forgive the person who has hurt me. However; being the introspective person that I am, forgetting the hurt is always harder. You think about the hurt, constantly picking yourself apart to see what you could have done better, which may result in you asking for more forgiveness.

And so it goes.

When I think about all this, I think of two people. David, King of Israel, writer of some of the Psalms, and Joseph, way back in Genesis. You know that guy. The dreamer. The one his father loved the most. The one with the jealous brothers who thought all their problems would be solved if they left him somewhere to die.

Only Joseph didn't die. He went through hell. In prison for a crime he didn't commit. Interpreter of dreams who would have been forgotten about unless a certain chief butler for Pharaoh hadn't remembered him. He became a leader in Egypt, but do you think he ever forgot what happened to him?

I don't think so.

Then there is David. It is said that David had a heart for God, though he was far from the perfect man. Psalm 51 (which inspired this entry), was written by David after he had committed adultery. Words such as "purge," "hide," and "deliver" are significant. He pleads with God to give him a new heart and not to cast him away. Despite the hurt David caused, how could God not forgive him?

But what about the hurt David caused?

Here is what I think. When life changing, earth shattering things happen in someone's life, they are not meant to be forgotten. You learn by them and hopefully, become a better person because of it.

Which brings this whole thing back to me.

As I have alluded to in the past two posts, something happened to me. I was angry, though even now, I see God's hand in what happened. Don't get me wrong. I could have done things better. Have I forgiven these people? Yes, I have. I guess the question is have I forgotten or, better yet, do I want to forget?

No. I'm learning about the things that I want to change about myself. I'm learning about God's grace and provision. After many years of feeling like I was in the wilderness, I truly feel like God's hand is on my life again. His vision for my life is what I want. Not mine.

That's all for now....until next week.

Forgiveness and the wilderness

At our Shabbat service yesterday, the congregation had the opportunity to listen to a family sing praises to Yeshua. Now while it's not entirely unusual for someone in the congregation to talk about something they are doing or something that happened in their lives, this family, this group of nine children and their parents, had recently lost their three week old infant brother, Benjamin. The congregation had a memorial service and it was the family's way of thanking everyone who had supported them through that time.

After their presentation, Alan, the teacher, spoke on the wilderness or the wilderness experience. We all go through them. Abraham, Jacob and Jesus went through them. He defined the wilderness as an environment of separation, a place where everything would be provided for you. A place of testing. A place where we meet up with who we really are. At the end, Alan stated that we are to "embrace the desert experience" because we become dependent on God.

Hmm. How about a 40 day, all expense paid tour of a place that's hot and dry. No rivers or lakes for miles. Just lots and lots of sand and heat. Oh, and I almost forgot. Your tour guide is God and He promises to be with you through all of it. He'll help you make all the right choices, if you let Him, and when your tour is through, you'll be a better person for it.

I like the better person part. I even like the God part. But how do you pass the test, or, better yet, what is your test?

Let's just begin by saying that when I heard this sermon, I didn't exactly like what I heard. It wasn't one of those rousing "let's go and serve God when we get out of here" sermons. But it was something that I needed to hear.

My wilderness right now is learning to forgive. As I think I've stated here before, I think I am a forgiving person. However; life is about to change. I'm moving on and the future doesn't seem so certain. This change was caused by a combination of things, some of which is my fault, but some of which is not.

In thinking about all this, I asked God the following:

"Lord, how did you forgive?
Honestly, how did you die for the sins of the world?
How large is your heart?
How do you love people who just want to hurt you or reject you?
How did it not break you or your heart?
Can I ever forgive?"

I'm not entirely sure how God will answer those longings in my heart.

It seems that there's an all-expense paid trip to a wilderness in my future.

Till next week....

Why forgiveness?

You may have come across this blog, wondering why someone would be writing about forgiveness.

There's been so much written about it, mostly about how and all the reasons why one would want and/or need to forgive. With everyone wanting to assert their rights these days, what would be the point? Because it benefits our spirit, soul and body. Because it's unselfish. Because, in my experience, it does no good to hold on to hurt because it only hurts you in the end.

Maybe we should start out by reading the definition of forgiveness. The word forgive is a verb, which means its an action. It means to "stop feeling angry or resentful" toward someone who offended or hurt you. It also means to cancel a debt. 

Forgiveness is one of those universal truths, similar to the famous "what goes around comes around," or "karma," if you feel so inclined. I remember seeing on a tip bowl at a local coffee shop the phrase "Karma is a boomerang" in big, bold black letters. Considering that all the wait staff tips were in this large round bowl, I would what goes around comes around would be a better choice of phrase for the bowl in question. 

Hmm.

So back to me and the forgiveness thing. I've had something happen to me recently that has utterly broken my heart. As much as I would like to share this with my friends, I can't, at least not right now. It has brought me back to the faith that I wanted to so eagerly walk away from a few years ago. In my sadness and despair, God has brought me back to Him in the last few months. He is the one who is with me at 3:00 in the morning when I wake up with anxiety attacks, comforting me with His words that are embedded deep in my spirit.

Despite the hurt, I want to move on, to forgive, to see where this "course correction," as I like to call it, will lead me. I know that God is in this mess, "that all things work together for good for those who love Yeshua (Jesus)." Whatever I write here, I pray that it will help all the people who read this blog.

Thanks for listening.... and reading.

jen